I sometimes hate how the smallest things make me well up and cry. Last night at my committee meeting, I was to work with a fellow brother that many are not fond of, and I myself wasn’t too fond of either. But after everyone had left and her and I were still around, she sat quietly pulling her things together and I grabbed my bag and thanked her for hosting/chairing our event.
She proceeds to ask if I liked her jewelry (her handmade stuff) and I responded with a courteous, “It’s lovely!”
She starts getting excited, a smile fills her face and she tells me to wait a minute. This is probably the first time I’ve ever seen her walk and get stuff out of her car without much hesitation or exhaustion. She walked quickly, opened her trunk, pulled out a HUGE and mind you, HEAVY, bag that encased all her jewelry making supplies. She stands the whole conversation explaining how she had to get certified, how she did this, that, everything and offered to make me a dainty bracelet with our Greek letters on it. I smiled kindly and hid my tears behind some terrible blurry vision and said thank you. Still standing she gathers her things and flashes a HUGE smile. She then calmly explains how I’d be her first sale/demonstrator. Being in this for about a year or so, no one has ordered or even considered her work, but she was euphorically happy to have a project she genuinely enjoys in her hands.
I left saying thank you, and cried about how much of a bitch I probably was to think badly of her and to assume this and that and this and that.
So yes, I’m a cry baby and I do it more often than one should.
The fact of the matter is, being here is nice. I learned some new things, discovered a bunch of beautiful things and strengthened the pathways of communication with God and Cullen.
Truth is. The girls I’ve met here have been ridiculously inviting and opened and welcoming, however, I must say that isolation is definitely an order. Not that I purposely isolated myself, but its a natural law and order type of thing. This particular group had already built a relationship to one another and had shared history amongst each other. Therefore, relational things/trying to build another one off of what they already have is close to impossible.
at least they’re all beautiful and loving girls, each one of them. I’m just too quiet in situations like these.
“Music is a basic need of human survival. Music is one of the ways we make sense of our lives, one of the ways in which we express feelings when we have no words, a way for us to understand things with our hearts when we can’t with our minds.”—Karl Paulnack (via thingssheloves)
I’m being delivered from this, in a different way. Not of my own choices and I’m scared. Is it okay that I hide my face for another 10 years and keep to my silence? I’m in shambles and I’m ready to move away again, another 4 hours. Maybe to the North. I’ll move to Boston. I’ll hide
because this is not how I wanted to resolve my thoughts and fears.
Here’s to wanting an actual relationship with you. To openly come up to you and talk to you when needed without feeling judge or disliked. To ask you questions without you yelling or screaming and arguing for nothing. To be comfortable in telling you everything from my mistakes to failures and my small achievements and recognitions. To want to come to you without feeling forced. Without having to cry every time you bring up stinging memories. Without having to shut myself out every time you point out another flaw in me, something you want to change because I wasn’t good enough to begin with. To not comparing me left and right with this or that. To abolish all the adversity and cruel thoughts in your mind. To have me talk peacefully rather than angrily. To you keeping my secrets for once.