So during Holy week, or just spring time in general, I would have an absent mother sent away to a different country for months at a time for work. It always occurred that she would arrive home on Good Friday, so after kneeling for a good majority of the stations, watching the rituals of taking Christ off the cross, hearing the Gregorian chants of my native tongue, I would kneel and pray anxiously to have my mother’s flight come home a tad bit earlier.
Also, during Holy Week, I fast from Wednesday until Easter. (Technically Thursday..) but either way, I need to go to confession and reconcile my sins. Hopefully it won’t be too packed to get to a priest to hear me.
Yay Holy Week, 6 days left and I can indulge in chocolate, coffee and tea…Or will I?
Je veux lire votre esprit. Je veux savoir vos pensées. Je veux partager nos sensations. Je veux exprimer comment je vous vous sens sans arrêter. Je veux regarder dans vos yeux. Je veux fixer dans votre âme. Je veux me réveiller dans vos bras. Je veux dormir avec vous la nuit.
Je ne veux pas questionner autant de. Je ne veux pas obtenir le paranoïaque des petites choses. Je ne veux pas m’inquiéter. Je suis désolé. Je ne peux pas aider mais peux laisser ces petites choses mange loin à mes pensées.
…pourtant m’a dit que tu m’aimais encore. Donc, je suis content.
"This is my prayer in the desert, when all that’s within me feels dry. This is my prayer in my hunger and need, my God is a God who provides.
This is my prayer in the fire, in weakness or trial or pain. There is a faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me, Lord through the flames."
A lot to be thankful and grateful for right now. One for a strong loving supporting and caring family. Two for the caring fun and beautiful friends I surround myself with. Three is for a goofy caring boyfriend.
So many other things but alas I leave feelig peaceful. Onwards to saint Elizabeth Ann seton for mass.
1. I am ridiculously obsessed with the color pink, and by that my room back home is pink. I have various accessories/room accessories/stuff(s) in pink. I often dream about how my dream home will be pink and because I’m a compulsive shopper, I will most likely buy an item if it is pink.
2. I don’t really have a collective group I can call best friend besides Liou and Blackie. Although I see them seldom I know I can go home to them and they’ll still probably make fun of me / Liou will pinch my cheeks and call me a whore. But to me, that’s friendship, especially if they watch me mess up and they STILL stay around.
3. I will soon have an additional piercing in my collection of piercings (which isn’t all that many considering I just have my ears and nave.) But I’m definitely considering my cartilage and what not, and I won’t go alone, Annie will be there getting hers done too! :]
4. I’m ridiculously affectionate, and in return I love receiving affection. I guess that’s somewhat interesting? Not really? Meh, either way, I like little acts that just seem to make everything better. (ESP. Mo’s :])
5. cdangt is my sister by blood and best friend by choice. We always talk about how we want to work out together, however, by the time we try to, we fail miserably. Not even in a sense that we couldn’t achieve it; it’s the fact that we never get around to it. We’ll make outrageous plans that include waking up early for a morning run followed by hours of rigorous activities…Uh excuse me? We’re the laziest people alive, and our favorite past time is eating. I like this.
I ramble way too often for my own good. I also spend money profusely. As a result I will make and implement a rule for myself. I beg of you, my generally small audience, to help me stay by my word and now allow me to make another purchase UNTIL I make an A on this next exam. Like a reward of sorts. Wait for the grade first before splurging on lustful items of my personal desire. Nextly I will cut down snacking and ex meals after nine PM. gah I just want to be a bit more responsible and more in control of my actions.
Good bye good bye God me uses send. Not to pick bad from bad, but by bad mend!
I’ll admit that I miss your abusive abrasive nature. I’m jealous of the circles everyone’s created after I left, those little connections that seemed to have linked up even after many contradictory statements and snide remarks. I hate that you make me choose and I hate how you’ll always know the roundabout ways I do things.
I hate that you can’t trust my decisions, yet I miss your input, regardless of how I’d never listen. I hate how I showed you everyone and I ended up with no one.
Don’t say I did this to myself, because I know that fact too damn well.
I am a person of emotion but not a person who has mastered the language of emotion. Not even the people closest to me can ever interpret what I’m feeling or what my actions reflect to what I’m thinking. The problem is that i find it really hard to explain my emotions to people. You can always…
I think we’ve faced an inevitable truth, one that cannot be fathomed by any prepared soul. We’re here to face life. It is God’s will to live how he has planned for us. I always want to believe that there is a set plan for us, and other times, I want to rip away from the chosen path, this being included.
Perhaps God has told him it’s his time, or that his time is fast approaching. I believe that my grandfather has slowly accepted this fact, the way he looks at us, the way he speaks, the way he still tries to have high hopes of making it to my wedding day. His eyes are lit with a faint glimmer and with much prayer, I want him here, but I know God has other plans. I want him to be here for weddings, graduations, white coat ceremonies, etc. However if it’s the Lord’s bidding, than take him, take him without pain and take him with good memories and with knowledge of the love his family has for him.
He was finally admitted out of the hospital Friday; finally able to sit in the comfort of his lazy boy chair. He turned up the TV and slept in the same amount of time it would have normally taken him. He’s exhausted, his toys are still kept in order, he fiddles with them seldom, the bird clock sets off at every hour with a different chirp every time. I propose we keep these the same, regardless of the fact that he needs sleep, these noises are home to him, it’s what he has come to know after moving here to America. Even in prayer, you can hear the acceptance of his soon to be absence. My mother repeats her fear and my father repeats his support.
I feel terrible. I can’t be there for my mother because of the distance, and I can’t hope for the best if my grandfather himself has seen it him that his time might be soon. We can fight with prayer, we can fight with hope, we can fight with medicine and science, but we can’t fight his mission here on Earth, and perhaps it’s been completed. I honestly don’t know what to think, we just had lunch and to lighten up the mood we talked about funeral traditions that have been followed throughout Vietnamese history. All white for the children born of the grandfather, sticks for the in-laws, and for grandchildren etc we all bare the white headbands blessed by the minister on duty. We try to find the humor, but watching my mom’s eyes as the topic came into subject, she’s scared, you can see her mentally preparing.
While being entrapped in a mind full of worried thoughts, I had craved for a bit of care-free air. Anyways, I’m more than excited to return home today, later today, I can’t wait to have a BIG hug from Mo! I can’t wait to return to my tidy little apartment room (and by tidy I mean messy as hell :]), I can’t wait to return to somewhere where my navel ring doesn’t have to be hidden, I can’t wait to return to a closet that isn’t over shadowed by my mother’s collection.
I am sad leaving. I didn’t get much time with my little brother. I had 2 nights in my obnoxious pink room and obnoxious-er pink bed. I won’t be here to comfort my mother when she had one of those “moments” I won’t get to eat home cooked foods (ever it seems like) and I won’t be returning for a while considering APO has consumed my life with it.
I love my life, even when my goodbyes from loved ones are bittersweet.
How do you comfort someone you truly truly truly love?
I’m absolutely the worst person to run to when someone needs consoling or some sense of relief, I can’t provide that, I’m not comforting nor am I fuzzy enough to reinforce happy sensations throughout one’s tired weary and sad soul.
Instead Annie saved the day with her two cents on a family loss through cancer. So her story was more of encouragement to accept whatever fate (or God) will have in store and to just believe for the better.
Tomorrow, and by tomorrow, I mean early early today, I will be dropping off munchkin at the airport by 4 AM, afterwards I’ll drive back to the casa, pick up my father who will return from his night shift, put waffle in the back and mad dash to my grandfather whom I am anxious to see. I’ll be okay with sitting in that hospital room twiddling my fingers, or reading away anxiously at my new novel (I GOT MY HANDS ON HOUSE OF LEAVES!) or texting my day away to Mo while he keeps me entertained with silly things.
either way, I’m praying for any progress on this situation.
I use to be so careful as to who I let this blog link get out to. Now a days, privacy is a matter of invasion, another person’s curiosity and my inhibition to type whatever truly haunted my mind onto a little screen.
Regardless, this content is mine to control and I guess I want to just write something just for the sake of getting it out of my mind, especially since the boyfriend is snoring right now and is exhausted from work and from playing sports with me and friends today.
So in response to a few good days, buying a book, buying clothes, packing for spring break, performing and rehearsing, a corrosive voice boomed on the other line of the phone. Aside from being scolded for being up past 9 PM and for my inability to be inside MY own apartment at that hour, there is an assumption to my ignorance to the situation at hand.
I didn’t get an e-mail on my grandfather’s update. I got a call instead and through this fear I’m just scared. Scared beyond belief.
flashback 4…ish years..
My paternal grandmother whom I loved and cherished had liver complications. This is from a previous blood transfusion that had occurred on her 9th pregnancy/delivery. This happened way back when in Vietnam and no symptoms had occurred since then.
A good 30 ish years after, symptoms and complications developed (to keep it short and simple.) and like most ailments and illnesses, she too was robbed of dexterity, of strength and of smiling. She never ran short on love, nope, grandmama loved us so.
However on that faithful day, July 24th, after being in a hospital for weeks now, after countless treatments, progress, positive signs of improvement, all of that was stolen from our family that afternoon as the LCD screen flatlined with the ever resounding whir at the end.
You can’t blame a disease for it taking it’s course, and you can’t blame doctors for their attempts at keeping an individual breathing, but these things all add up when thinking about the overall condition that people goes through. One minute she’s warm, blood still coursed through her veins and pushed at the heart to keep running. The next minute, the warmth in her palms, hands, wrists, are zapped instantly almost, and whatever defined a human soul to be “alive” was snatched every so quickly, I almost wish I had her last breath in my memory to recall.
So here I am soon to escape my apartment up north to run home, and to run further down south to check the situation myself. To inform myself better of what’s truly going on and what I want to get out of this. I’m going to see him and I’ll know he’ll be ok. (That’s what Mo kept repeating while I was saturated in my own tears)
My posts won’t be pleasant for a while, I’m just sorting through memories, archives and thoughts, so forgive me, or fuck it, I write what I want.
I remember wanting to cure my grandpa of his glaucoma and the many cataracts that robbed him of his vision at my early age. I remember wanting to let him see that it was me, not Linda. I wanted him to not have to pat my head and squeeze my arm to know who I am (I must admit though, it’s quite an adoring quality.)
I want him to be able to see the light of day and not guess the shadows that shrouds the surrounding light. Ghastly figures will be no more and images will appear clearly.