1. Today my mother called me. I thought she had calmed down. Nope, her and father attacked me, after last week, verbatim they told me to not bother coming home because I was not welcomed, today to got yelled at for not wanting to visit. Okay. Wow. I’m going to Arkansas whether you guys like it or not. END.
2. I talked with someone who had a dream about my death…I’m terribly curious as to what he predicts and what he saw because…Curiosity killed the cat. He refuses to tell me what he saw, but when I was younger, I was told that if you wanted your dream to come true, you don’t tell the people it was involved and you keep it to yourself. This kid however is not telling me and so he obviously wants me to die some Final Destination themed type death. That or in his subconcious mind, I’m the weaker link. (I will harass you on this topic later!)
3. I talked with one of the 1000 study buddies that were crammed into April’s apartment about his relationship with a girl who lived 3 hours away from him also. They had been dating for as long as I have been gaga with Steven. At this point, he feels like he’s hindered her from her social life, and is frustrated at the fact that her emotions are black and white; extremely happy to extremely sobby. Although they face the same distance, I think their handle on the situation/ approach is a little run-in Steven and I already jumped over a few months, if not more, ago in the summer. I can tell you’re concerned, but I must say, everything will be okay, and you need to reassure and remind her that it’s okay for her to tell you how she’s really feeling, and that it won’t cause you to leave. Not for a while, perhaps.
4. I talked with someone who was extremely sleepy today. He had gone through a bunch of intensive training or something, but either way, he had a soothing/groggy voice that sang like angels to my ears. I miss him more than you miss eating unhealthy foods.
5. I told multiple people why I looked dead last week at church, why I cried during mass, and why those little girls with their Daddies made me extremely jealous.
Photos, Steven, tumblr posts, reading, Art History, Chemistry class, dancing, soft breezes, how the electrical generator near our apartments are running on water, karaoke nights every 2nd and 4th wednesday of the month, sunday mornings, somewhere beyond the sea, singing with people, being with my best friend, eating healthy foods, downing water, sprinkes, letters from the mail; the legit mail, fruits, silk, cheerios, waking up at 8:00 AM, being happy, being loved, being cared for, you.
A quick update, I’m doing a new project where I photograph every guy in the school that semi resembles my dear friend Alex Liou. The other day I photographed a young lad by the name of Bryan Lee. He is a tall Korean fellow who sang “Back at One” By Brian McKnight for karaoke. He had a voice like butter and he dressed and had the same hair as liou. there are plenty more, I know it, Raja and I had found a good handful and I want to make sure I’ve gotten them all.
Next person to photograph, someone who resembles Carlyle Champion, don’t know why, but I see a ton of those too. haha.
I woke up really early, and normally the sun would be rising, but instead I woke up to a really really grey sky. I HAVE NO EXPLAINATION AS TO WHY I woke up feeling lonely and sad and just un-loved? I woke up missing something I don’t have. I woke up missing “home”.
I woke up crying? Not yet, I called Steven just to see if he was alive. Then I went to shower and cried in the shower. (I’m a baby!) I’ll never admit it. But I did. I threw on my huge sunglasses and headed out to Bursar’s office to see how much I had owed. NONE! :D sweet! But then the sun came out and I felt a little better, I guess I needed the sunshine just to know that at least I have my health, friends and love from all over the place. I got it from my Beef to my Egg-fryer, from roommates to April’s roommates. From extended family and strangers that can say “Top of the mornin’ to ya, Guv’na”
And especially from the one person who has listened to all my complaining and has stood by strong being some kind of weird foundation, yes, my heart is to you, Chocolate the teddybear :] haha You’re the closest thing to Steven being here, so you’ll get the praise for now :] But yes, you too, Stee, you’ve been there always and I love you for it <3
You know, as I drove away from my Austin home, awaiting my arrival at my new home in Dallas, I was a bit anxious. I was jittery. I was sad, yes, and always contemplated the next time I’d visit my family with arms wide spread and smiles across their faces.
This is not the case.
I’ve been told to not come home, or to not even bother visiting. I’ve been abandoned in a sense that what I once had, is no longer. This was all because I wanted to attend a church camp, a mandatory one to become a Youth leader in the diocese I’ve been with for the past 18 years of my young, young life. I told my father in advance, because God knows had I told him later, way later, that I wouldn’t have had the permission to go. NOW. I had reminded him periodically that I would need to come home Thursday to leave Friday morning and YES that I would miss one day of school, which had only 2 classes in there. When school started, I had e-mailed the teachers, I had informed them of my soon to be absence and after shaking their hands and having an invigorating conversation with them, they said that all will be okay. TADA.
I get a call from my mother, asking how I’m doing, which is a very very odd event, it never happens. She then asks me about the camp that is fast approaching, I’ve reminded her of the information and she tells father. FATHER FORGETS. He tells me that I’ve lied to him, I’ve mislead him, tricked him, manipulated him, because I told him ahead of time so he’d forget.
Rewind, FATHER. The day of move in, April went to dinner with us. At dinner, you repeatedly said Okay, I’ll pick you up thursday so you can leave Friday, get everything in order before then. HOW DID I MISLEAD YOU?
Because of that, they’re holding my loan checks hostage, I have almost no money left to pay for rent, and the remainder of tuition and my parking fee. I am also never ever allowed back. For reasons like that, I’m glad.
For reasons of missing a home, I cried. I had no where to belong. And in the comforting arms of April, I slept at her place, talked to her mom on skype and thought, why can’t my parents care a little bit. They don’t have to pay off my loans and debt, I’ll do that on my own, but holding my checks, SMART MOVE. So last night I felt trapped, I couldn’t handle it. I’ve contemplated what would happen to me when I can’t pay for anything anymore. Am I kicked to the streets? Forever to be a bum?
Home is where the heart is…or it should have been.
So tonight I have never endured a storm so intense in my WHOLE LIFE. I’m not even exaggerating, the apartment windows are paper thin, so all noise comes in as easily as it goes out.
The storm initiated around 2 AM where thunder and lightning kept waking me up from sleep. My room mates pow-wowed in the living room and I just thought they could sleep through it so I sat in my room holding my teddy bear waiting for the storm to pass. Around 3 AM, the storm had availed, given up, and stopped, and we all returned to sleeping. By 4 AM, the storm picked up intensity, freaked me out, shook the room, freaked out 5 car alarms, and then to top off all the scary noise that kept me from sleeping, the fire alarm whirred in my ears, and I quickly got up, half naked in my girl boxers and shirt, with a blanket, chocolate, my purse and phone and wallet and booked it with my roommates making sure we were all accounted for.
We ran across to another compled, until it was safe. After returning to our building, the power cuts off, and the crazy alarms are keeping many out of their rooms. Raja’s door was unlocked and I walked in for a brief moment and went back out. The thundering scared me so terribly bad, I got nausiated. Now I’m back in my apartment, alarm off, resetting all of our clocks preparing for my morning class. Boy…I hate HATE hate hate hate! thunder storms and crazy ones like tonight. But, fun experience, I’m not going to lie :]
10 Months ago, I was slowly getting use to the rhythms of your walking. One stride for you was two and a half strides for me. 10 months ago, you and I were under a tree at church, I was anxious, you were nervous. 10 months ago you and I were texting fervently during my stat classes and choir classes wondering what you could have possibly meant by your words the previous Saturday. 10 Months ago, I was afraid that you wouldn’t think the way I thought of you. 10 Months ago, man…10 months ago.
Although you’re tucked away squished in a bed with your siblings, although you’re on the opposite side of the Continental U.S from me, although you’re probably tired and you have an early train ride in the morning, the sum of this post is basically to say…I WIN :] I said it first!
Sun is in the sky, oh why, oh why would I want to be anywhere else? God, I love you. Thank you for the lovely 10 months it has been with you, I’m praying that there will be more memories to add on as time flies by.
to go in and settle this battle for the money I need to pay for books. Hello FinAid office.
a trash can for my room (left it at home :[)
A key ring of some sort (also left at home)
a box of my left contacts (I brought TWO boxes of my right contacts…dumbest move ever.)
A calendar whiteboard. Please.
If you have any 4x6 pictures of you and I, send them my way, my walls are going to be decorated with photos.
Those are what’s sort of needed as of right now. Some quirky notes: The faucet whistles when you initially turn it on, haha. The ceiling fan sounds like a rocket ship initially also, don’t scream, please. My roommates and I are still in our “Honey Moon” phase, but we’re doing quite well. Chocolate is sleeping without his beanie and…I bought a super cute pink desk lamp for 5 bucks. I WIN.
is one of my least favorite things in the entire world. I really need to start though, and it’s scaring me; packing means I’m actually leaving. and as excited as I am, I’m getting reeeeeal nervous.
Oh goodness, I was in that same position 3 days ago. I can promise you that you’ll enjoy it. Nostalgic? Yes. Anxious/Nervous? Very much so. But it really isn’t all that bad. But I guess you’ll be going through it soon, good luck to you!! :]
this will be incredibly boring, but this is for my own reference.
SO; I fell asleep last night with salty eyes around 3:45, I tried to stay awake to send Steven off for his trip but that failed. After waking up to Hey Arnold on my computer on repeat, it was around 4:29 AM, at this point I freaked out and called to see if I made it in time or not. Luckily he was only in the car almost at the airport. 5:00 My pre set alarm went off. 5:41 I get a call telling me about him boarding a plane and wanting to knock out from last nights…non sleep. 7:48, another call, he’s about to board plane TWO to NYC, at this point he landed in Dallas, my soon to be destination. 9 AM, I shut off the alarm. 10:40 April texts to see if I have left. I ignore it and sleep. 11 I finally wake up get all my shit together, have my dad move everything slowly, my mother moved slowly, the day seemed to go by so slow in the last few hours I had left in my house.
12. We leave. I read the note, I drive 3.5 hours to Richardson, ONLY to be caught in two traffic jams which caused a 45 min. delay. Traffic jam number two was another 30 minutes down the drain. I’m fiddling with the note, I’m jittery. I pull up to the complex, get lost, find my building, see my roommate on the top floor, move all the crap out of the car, because there was no parking, a mass of orange colored shirt people help move everything three flights up. The TV, which was the only thing my dad had to carry, was too heavy for him, so Sarah (my roommate) and her brother helped him. We’re figuring out what we’re missing, blah blah. I forgot my title and registration on my car to get my permit, so I’m parking illegally right now…shhhh :]
my rooms done, it’s simple not much, yet. I’m beginning my taping of the pictures tomorrow after church, thank God for DHNS, all the people I met who lived in the Dallas area are being so generous and kind and are helping me with everything!
Although most of my day consisted of going up and down my stairwell, moving things in and moving more things out, and fulfilled with the surprise of a recent job loss and the water heater not working. I tried to have a conversation with my mother, it started and ended with her yelling and talking to me in a tone that sounded spiteful. I had a conversation with my father, but that was short-lived because the news of finding another job had left him to think in solitude alone.
I was kinda hoping a visit from Liou and Blackie and Giany like they normally would. But that was failed as I was still packing and the phone had no farewell rings to send me off with. I had moved mattresses and crates of clothing, I had picked up my new contacts and bought other necessities. It wasn’t until 5, when my mother decided to get really aggitated with me that Steven, Calvin and Boomer all came over to kidnap me, for one last time.
We had Sushi down town for happy hour (which was happy 45 minutes), I had no allergic reaction to the fish! (huzzah!), I had ordered Mochi balls for dessert, and in attempt to give Steven my last once (since I was incredibly full) it dropped on the ground, and Joann’s comment set me and Calvin off laughing up a storm. I never pulled out my camera to capture the last moments I had here. Why would I? I wanted to be in the moment instead of the by stander, I wanted to enjoy what I had left of Joann and Thy and Calvin and Boomer and Steven. I’l see them again, but not soon enough.
the Time Traveler’s Wife, was beautiful to me. I was the only one crying. (of the 5 of us that went). Although I seemed a bit quiet tonight, although my facial expression was either blank or angry, I wasn’t, I was really happy. I was really sad. I was really a bunch of things mixed into one that was just released in my last crying minutes with Steven.
I’m not scared anymore, I’m not incredibly nervous, I got what I’ve wanted. I’m happy with where I’m at. Everything is going to be okay, no better, it’s going to be great. I’m really really hopeful, and with that said, move out is in 5 hours.
It’s surreal really, I woke up after having a nightmare that I met my cool roomates, only they all turned out to be insane, journal reading, pillow stealing, locker finding kleptomaniacs. I woke up to my dad a little slower than usual, after losing a job I suppose that’s how men react, they just don’t say much. Hopefully, I’m just praying PRAYING that it’ll be a temporary factory shut down (he was previously employed at Samsung who suffered multiple beat downs from this economy.) If not, then I’m praying that he’ll have a rebound super soon to just keep him feeling like he’s got purpose
(I did read once that men, even when they don’t say it, feel like they have to fulfill the duty of the provider within the household, something along those lines, but I bet papa feels as though he almost let us down.)
He said he had to take me off the driving insurance and I told him that it would be a-okay. I can tell he’s a bit worried…really worried but it’ll be okay, he’ll find a new job soon and maybe will have less stressful hours than what he previously had to work!
It’s my last day in town and all my boxes are ready to go, I didn’t pack too too much, and I didn’t pack too too little. I don’t food supplies/silverware/soaps YET, but my parents said they’ll make the run to the walmart near my apartment to fill up whatever is missing, only one girl will be in the apartment with me while the other two have other things to fulfill.
As of right now, I’m still at home, and as of tomorrow I will consider a new home in the arms of Dallas. Today farewells can be said either now, or early early tomorrow morning. Eh, if you care, you care, if you don’t, screw it. We all have our own lives to tend to.
“Our grandchildren (and, for the younger generation, even our children) will probably never hear a dial tone or busy signal, use a tape rewinder because we told them the expensive VCR would wear out its motors if it rewound too many tapes itself, bring the empty case up to the Blockbuster clerk to get the real movie, or be disappointed to open their new CD’s case and find that the spokes have cracked and are rattling around inside. Do you think they’ll be shuffling movies around on plastic discs transported by mail or automobile and exchanging them for different ones because they’re too scratched to play?”—
je suis une menteuse, oui, le message était hier soir pour vous, et je suis trop craintif pour l’admettre.
Czasami ja właśnie chcą się krzyczeć “HEY Jestem Twoja, tak PAŃSTWA przyjaciółką i ja znajdą się szybko opuszczających.” należy podać niektóre mi pewną swobodę, pragnę cię Jestem panuje. Ja “tylko trafiło się kilka dni po lewej stronie i tak, i czy można czuć drugim najlepiej, i poczuć jak wszystko i każdy powinien pochodzić przed i mają w ciągu ostatnich kilku tygodni lub tak. Jestem zamierza wykazują Pana, że Jestem zafałszować? Ja znajdą oskarżać go na mojej matce, pewna, że znajdą się grzywny dzięki Państwu również nie wiedzą i ja również nie wam powiedzieć.