Writing to Strangers

2010, you’re right around the corner and I wanted to set a few things straight for the new year.

• Cut out the coffee; with my moleskine, I tallied every cup I had since around April, and it is quite a stunning amount, especially since I moved to a new environment, I had a caffeine galore in Dallas. So I’m cutting down, for the sake of my body, and for the sake of whatever else is left (apparently it adds to anxiety attacks…so definitely going to quit slowly.)
• Learn better ways to manage money, spending excessively ESPECIALLY when I’m upset is NOT an economical answer to my dwindling cash account. Back in the office I suppose? I can always tutor children again. :]
• Better myself. ‘nuff said.
• Tell the people you truly care about how much they mean to you as much as you can. Long story short, not everyone hangs around for as long as you like them to. Oh I know, boo hoo, whatevs.
• Throw myself to my own education and to whatever tickles my fancy; music minor? GREAT! Now pursue it and don’t forget what you’re really after. (Don’t let mom and pops down, they did a LOT to get your ass where you’re at now)
• Practice what you Preach. ‘nuff said.
• Stop church hopping and find a legit church to stay put at (this is going to be a while, although I do fancy Prince of Peace or “POP” for short…I also like the fact that they’re labeled as a “Singing Community” ahh, I found my home.)
• Continue your writing rambles, like when you write for pages at a time and forget what the purpose of it was for. I miss having pen stained fingers at the end of a long writing rant.
• Keep your promise to Grandmama. She’s gone and she’s been gone for 4 years, and your only promise to her was to set your brother straight. Do it now in his “vulnerable” age, get to him before someone else does.
• Read more books than you did last year. Decorate your walls with shelves of books.

Dear Kayteens (circa 2009),

You went through some hell for your first semester. IT’LL BE OKAY. There’s a lot to be remembered from this year, from getting Arnold to graduation, from falling in love to screwing things up completely. There’s a lot for you to still learn and if you feel ridiculous typing a letter to yourself, quit it, you do weird stuff on a daily basis, this should justify as “normal.”
Homesickness sucked, being in a new area sucked, but I think you found some perks to brighten up the gloomy weather that seems to dominate near campus. I’m quite proud to see the religious bloom grow a bit more this year, and I’m a bit upset at the lack of care you gave to schooling (even if you did well, it wasn’t great.) Get lost in music more often, I think you enjoy that quite a bit.
Get organized, clean your room more often (puhaha), take care of Arnold, and be everything you can be. Focus, and if needed, splash some water in your face, and look at yourself again in the mirror, you can do it, even when other things are scaring you enough to say that you can’t.

As ridiculous as this letter may be, I think you needed it. A year in review.

Cupcake wishes and love,

yourself.

HAPPY NEW YEARS EVE, TUMBLETTES.

who are you. I wonder.
I was suppose to know you best. But I don’t and it slightly frightend me.
Who are you? Who have you become? How did you get this way and how did I alienate myself?
How did I get to where I would end up in silence?

What happened to writing that would shake the ground you stood on? Where are the critters that tickled my throat out of giddyness? Where am I in my own thoughts and why are you reocurring more than anything?

I just Don’t Know. When did I have Answers?

I truly think that this movie has won its way into my heart. I always cry in the beginning like a babbling brook. I’ve seen it a good 7 times and still, i have the same reaction…haha :)

juss sayin’.

it truly IS Christmas! :)

is second nature to my body, all the time, everytime. I wake up with a sore throat and a fever. I force myself out to bed to go see the cousins who came by to visit. I force myself to go out with them and for a good chunk of the time I spent enjoying with them, I was secretly dying on the inside. My head hurts, my body aches, and I got chills. (sounds like a FLU! [NOT AGAINN! :(])I’ve been craving an avacado and luckily I got an avacado shake today (don’t ask, I crave weird things.) and by tomorrow this time

I will be endulging in lobster with my dad’s family and hopefully I will get Lila back in one piece. Sounds like a plan. In the mean while, I’m going to sip on this weird tasting theraful and I’m going to hope for some intense weather when I do go home.

what a sad sad year.

while the general public in which reads this blog (which is a very very VERY low number) either;

A. enjoy my thoughts.
B. read this and leave.
C. cruise my tumblr for pretty pictures to reblog/quote etc or
D. join in an exciting conversation with I.

This is what I’m thinking and am currently having a conversation about. Identity, the Human condition (man’s nature in general), and confusion. Tons of confusion.

Argument 1: conformity to an entity larger than said individual causes the individual in question to lose a sense of individual identity and thus causes the individual to strictly label themselves as said “large entity.” That’s just basic knowledge either witnessed by experience, vicariously, or through some other worldly experience.

Argument 2: The human condition to me has always been “you before the world” or the idea that you take care of yourself before you even worry about another being. True we do have our moments of selflessness and through that many people do contribute through charity or acts of charity (in that case), but overall, we are still animals of this planet with a goal in mind of survival. I’m not trying to sound cynical but it’s true, we have our moments of selflessness BUT the majority of the time, we are in process of doing things for ourselves. Our problems are not the world’s problems, your problem won’t affect me, I may feel sympathetic and will try to empathize with you, but my course of actions are to reflect what is of best interest for me. (Don’t get me wrong, I care about everyone, I’m just rambling right now.) So go ahead, join the coalition of your choice, everyone’s out for themselves.

Argument 3: Confusion. In the process of balance, to find the middle line of being able to establish a sense of identity while in whatever it is I’m in, and finding a way to not consider oneself a selfish bastard, I’m struggling to see the grey area and the silver lining to what seems to me as completely black and white arguments. Again I’m rambling, it’s early in the morning and all I want to do is sit and play a ukulele to my heart’s content.

So my defined identity as of right now (based off of my family)
1. Compulsive child stealer. I love children, I love their coos and their inability to talk and communicate clearly. I love how easily amused they are and how willing they are to tell you a very detailed (and scrambled) outline of their day. I am secretly jealous of the carefree air they carry with them, oh the age of innocence! But yes, everytime I see an adorable child, I just kinda say hi to them and ask them for a high five, everyone thinks I’m capable enough to kidnap them, but that’s just wrong.

2. Jokingly pretentious with the intention to harm or to scare.

3. Compulsive lying disease of some sort.

4. Incredibly comfortable with what is known; currently have the inability to face new horizons. I am weak, and I know it, I won’t show it and a good chunk of the time I won’t, that is, if you’re around me often.

5. I’ve defined myself in recent weeks…months…let’s say months for the sake of my own thought process to not be interrupted. I’ve defined myself in recent months as a Catholic, through religion, trying to find a basis for my beliefs, morals, goals, outlines etc. Am I a good Catholic? (No.) But I surely am practicing and what’s that saying, oh! Practice makes Permanent.

6. Often too emotional and too analytical in situations, no matter what they are.

7. Un-Godly obsessed with the color pink.

8. A health freak that will reestablish her NO COFFEE EVER mantra.

Sorry for the post, I needed to think, and by think I mean, write it out and get it out of my head.

leave the silence, please.