After an all nighter with a keyboard and a copy of Jean Rhys Wide Sargasso Sea, I survived on nothing but 2 large bottles of water, 2 Redbulls and 1 Vitamin energy to keep myself somewhat productive, somewhat awake, and somewhat focused. I forgot to remind myself that redbull causes me to throw up, so this morning was a small vomit fest, however, that is something I normally wouldn’t share. It’s true though, at 5:48 AM this morning, my empty stomach couldn’t handle the poison I was placing in my body. SWEET!
So I drive to school, with my 6 pages of tortue that I had written in the wee hours of the morning, and halfway walking to class (after being a good 4 minutes late thus far and parking in the Junior’s lot because the senior lot was full) I thought I left the paper at home. I quickly SCURRIED to class, flipped through everything only to breathe a sigh of relief when I realized that it was messily shoved into my binder inbetween papers that should and will be recycled by the end of the year.
AS THE DAY WENT ON, I realized my attention, my eyelids and everything else were failing. During calculus though, I managed with a box of the infamous Thin Mints kept awake enough to take decent notes and to get the basic lesson of Intergrals, YAY!
HOWEVER, by the time show choir rolled around, a good 5 seniors in that class suffered from B.A flu also. In honor of our hard work and procrastination, our director graciously took it easy on us as I leaned on Hannah for sleep support. I later found myself skipping lunch to sleep in the choir room office until I had to go back out to the parking lot to get my cheer clothing.
I survived, a whole day, without sleeping DURING CLASS. I survived intense cheer-ness without sleeping, which for me is quite a feat. I am excited, however when I got home
On top of that, I spent a significant amount of time with family, who miraculously live 3 hours away, allowing us, the only family to live this far to travel just to see them. WONDERFUL! Nothing against it really, I enjoy the time spent with family and the food consumed with family, it’s just the 3 hour drive I have to endure/drive myself.
Either way. Empty red watermelon seed shells, weird dried pink coconuts, red envelopes and Asian dresses that do not fit my “FAT BODY” are just the few subtle hints that the New year is here. Red envelopes filled with money and blessings for the new year spoken in a foreign tounge. I was told a good 40 times how they wish me well in my academic studies, in my health. BUT NO ONE WISHED FOR ME TO LOSE WEIGHT WHYYY!?
I gave different “blessings” whatever they’re technically called, some of them was for hair, some of them was for health, others it was for being forever young, whatever it was, that’s how we did it, and we got cash out of it too.
I hate waking up and feeling completely down. Someone from french class told me it was from a lack of sunshine, which is a complete lie because I spend more tha 55% of my day outside anyways. It troubles me still to think that I woke up on a regular day off upset, completely upset.
Someone else suggested that my sleep deprivation was a cause of it. I wasn’t too sure of that either considering I got naps when needed and I would put off homework when I hit my exhaustion point. Either way, I woke up, I moped, I cried and I just sucked it up like a little baby.
I haven’t been truly upset without a cause since I first started taking medication. And for those who don’t know, I have medication for my panic attacks, but I got off them because I didn’t see much of a difference, and panic attacks are actually quite normal, and I don’t have them compulsively. Then the whole prometrium treatment was just failure to me since it would make me the moodiest person.
however there is no medicated cause to me waking up that Monday morning with nothing but the urge to cry all day and all night and just vomit that utter and annoying feeling of angst I had. There’s something incredibly wrong, really wrong. I won’t admit to it to your faces, but I know it. I’ll only say it now, and ONLY now. THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME.
but I still won’t admit it. I refuse to admit that I’m defective in some way.
Is it bad that I never know what to say or when to say things? Every time something life threatening is holding down a personal acquaintance or friend or family, even, I sit with thousands of thoughts but nothing to say. It’s a terrible habit, and I want to get out of it.
When there is an opportunity to speak out about something, to “share” and indulge in yourself for just a minute or two in a group of people who are somehow in tuned with the blazing bonfire in the middle, I hold back. My tongue holds back, my lips are bit down and are told to be quiet. I realized that I’m terrible at verbal communication; well, not really. I’m terrible at sharing my thoughts and ideas. I’m terrible at communicating how I feel at a moment in time. I’ll tell you how I feel AFTER the ordeal is dealt with, but chances are, I’m making up the emotion or the situation I was thinking because I don’t remember everything. The things I do remember are written, yeah written and hidden in my diary. Yeah, diary. the things I do not want to remember, are stuck with me, regardless so writing them down would be pointless and it would be another reason for it to haunt me.
Either way, I don’t know what to say or how to react. It’s one of my worst flaws, (but all my flaws seem to be "The worst flaw" but that’s how it is, and that’s how it will remain to be.)
is a lot smaller than we think it is. relations + other relations= somehow they all intertwine. It’s exciting really. My trip to dallas with the best friend (Apearl) is cancelled because we forgot to look ahead haha. That’s okay, we’ll make up to our lost time with countless hours of shopping and talking, the two things we do better than anyone.
3 Months to date. YEAH! I like how it seems a lot longer than that. Thanks for watching the Lifetime movie network with my mom and I and watching dirty jobs with Mike Rowe with me when I get in trouble, and for sucking hardcore at Brawl and for singing goofy tunes and not realize it, and and and most importantly.
Thanks for being you, I love it, Love all of it, Love you.
OH and a round of applause to my little brother, he managed to scare children.
especially during “high stress times” dead week and everything before exams. Which originally should have been scheduled BEFORE winter break. Damn you, legislation and your foul planning ways. Thanks to you, I graduate on a WEDNESDAY. How. Inconvenient. For. EVERYONE.
Considering I still have packets of work for Biology, sleep is an order. I cannot think if I cannot sleep. Call it a good habit or healthy practice, but I certainly cannot risk another pimple on my already destroyed face.
Side note:// I hope I didn’t get you in trouble! Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry if I did! My goodness I’m so sorry! I hope you’re not dead, and that by tomorrow you will be able to speak? Give me some viable sign that indicates your living status. Done with side note:\
Anyways, sleep, yes such a nice thing it is. I just hope I wake up early enough to achieve something, just something. Anything, a few questions perhaps, finding my french book would be a plus and discovering my Choir binder would be cherries on my non-existant sundae.
I’m rambling, I’m tired. Allergies can fall in a pit. It’s sleep time. Bonne soir.
I’ve been diagnosed with senior-itus. I fail at doing any amount of work in school. I spend more time sleeping/daydreaming during class then I do awake and alert. My motivation has died and I’d much rather skip cheer class than show up to do NOTHING. My brain is fried, and the 2nd semester has yet to start. I’m a whiner. I think exams should have been before winter break. Kill me now.
it came to a whole list of re-edited resolutions which I should have though of originally yet failed to come up with considering i was under the influence (aka, really lazy and fell into my bed and slumbered throughout the night only to be awakened to the sound of church and Steven shopping.
Do one thing that is out of the ordinary once a month.
Start working out as a habit, not as a semi-schedule not really, type of deal.
Find myself in faith. Find myself LOST in faith. Find faith.
Persist on the things you want most. I tend to give up too easily.
Find the things you truly need, eliminate the unnecessary things and count the blessings you have.
Make mom less mad, be more active at home.
Tell the people you love, that you love them everyday. No matter what.
Avoid arguing with mom.
Stay on top of things and get ahead even, it’s a good habit to start getting into.
Healthier eating habits. While doing that, convince your little brother that fast foods is not the way to go. (if I could only ween Steven off it too… :])
Keep your room organized. Steven helped you clean it up, keep it that way.
Get off medication, you don’t like it, your body doesn’t like it, it makes everything 9283749 much worse. Get off them, regardless of the risks.
Stop getting mad at Alex so often, even when he does everything in his power to piss you off. Be nice.
Be nicer in general. Be happier in general. Look forward to a good year with amazing people.