Driving from Houston home = disaster. Car broke, I panicked.
However ”Everytime I look at you, the world just melts away. All my troubles, all my fears just melt in your affection. You see me at my weakest, but you take me as I am, and when I fall you offer me a softer place to land…”
I just read someones blog about their future, and frankly I’m just as lost as they are. I’m completely unsure of what’s going to happen. I’m completely afraid of what could happen within the next 6 months or so. I don’t know anything anymore and I’m having those monthly panic attacks where everything seems terribly wrong and all I can do to have some control over it is to cry, cry, cry. I use to know what I was doing, but now i really don’t. It hit me bad, because I can’t breathe, I’m hyperventilating, Crystal’s fast asleep and I have no one to freak out to. Within the last month, my last attack wasn’t this bad but now it just seems like the stress of the whooooooleee freaking world decided to CRASH DOWN NOW.
If you were to ask me if I knew what i was doing, I’d lie to you and tell you that I knew where I was going, only to save myself from finding reasons for my own epic failure. I’m still freaking out, I’m still breathing irregularly, the humidity here doesn’t help and I feel clammy, scared, clammy, freakish, just not good. I just need something
reassurance. security. come what may I don’t think this is the best time to walk out on me…if that motivates anyone to even want to deal with me.
Please forbid I ever stay in Austin, Texas and end up somewhere studying whatever the hell I need to study. May I end up with just enough money to go to Baylor, without the help of my parents (since they refuse to help me with anything anymore) and may their lives be very happy when I leave,
because I already KNOW my dad can’t wait to see me out of the house, forever. sarcasm? not at all, ask him yourself, you’d be surprised…or not.
currently up in arms worried about you. I know, you told me NOT to worry, but what’s a girl gotta do? There could possibly be a 3 month period where you and I can only talk behind glass walls. I am so stressed for you BEYOND belief, after seeing you walk out of my house and back into your car, my heart was dropping. My mind is beyond boggled, my worried senses are beyond worrying, I CAN’T BELIEVE I LET YOU OUT OF MY HOUSE BACK TO YOURS knowing that you are going through the worst possible hell without me there. I feel ridiculously responsible and I WISH, just WISH you could blame this on me so I wouldn’t have to think about you getting the worst possible torture ever given.
Normally I’d wait until THANKSGIVING before I even type up these types of blogs. However, due to recent events, and the fact that I won’t be home during Thanksgiving break I might as well spit them out now while I can remember them in their ‘pure state’ rather than being forced to think of a list only to feel guilty for a good portion of it.
1. Parents I’ve grown up to the idea that all families consist of a mother and father, but that doesn’t always ring true. Some people lose one, some people lose both, and in that whole medley of parental loss and confusion, I can only be thankful for the people who have raised me, regardless of the fights, regardless of the hatred that wasn’t really hatred just pure frustration. At least I have both, and for those who have only one, or none, I can do much but pray. (if that’s even an answer to anything anymore), but my deepest sympathies come out to those who are in that situation. Where I can see that I take mine for granted, and for that, I think I need to work towards building a relationship rather then tearing down whatever is left between them and me.
2. Friends To all the people that have dealt with my obnoxious personality, my crude and sometimes terrible sense of humor, for the people that even stood by long enough to care and who still stands by me now. I’m overemotional, (I know, SHOCKING?!) but really I couldn’t imagine losing anyone in this category, especially knowing that everyone has a special place in my heart. And when we walk that stage later next year and part, I can only do so much to keep our ties, but regardless I’ll love you guys from now till the end of time (unless you do something ridiculously rude and horrible to me, I might just hate you.) Seriously though, I couldn’t imagine getting through high school, and whatever’s left of it, alone and I thank you guys (everyone, everyone, EVERYONE), so much for dealing with the stupid things that I’ve cried about, the stupid things I’ve gotten upset over and for constantly standing behind me. You guys are the B-E-S-T.
3. Food, Clothing, basic necessities… It’s only right to be thankful for the things we do have and to not take for granted the things we are given. SO, I thank God for my position in life, and regardless of how things will turn out, I will remain thankful and try my best to not indulge myself too much. I mean, it is the time of giving, etc. (Adopt-A-Family) yeah, I have 7 of those to participate in, and I get a warm fuzzy feeling delivering those.
4. Brother When I tried to analyze our relationship, there isn’t much of one. Well there use to be an established respect, however you grew out of that and became the most obnoxious little boy ever. But I guess traits pass on from one sibling to the next, and for that I apologize for being the biggest bitch to you 99.9% of the time, and if it makes it any easier, I do care about you, little brother, you just annoy me more than you should. And although you never had my back in ANYTHING, I just wanted to let you know, you’re going to die without me home when I leave for college. So…’ppreciate me!
5. Steven Is it vain to be thankful for him? Hope not. Regardless of that, He’s been my bestfriend for the past 5 years, and continues to be mine as of now. He’s always seen my side of the story and he’s always willing to defend whatever position I take. Although he has an army of haters at his school CAUSED by me, he doesn’t care, and he’s always seen the brighter things in life. He has single handedly made my heart stop, and causes the occasional panic attacks. He has come to my ‘rescue’ multiple times, and has always held me when I cried, even at football games when he pushes down a dragonette to get by my side. He surprises me daily, and keeps me on my toes. He misses my hints, but HA I miss his too. We’re like compliments, we’re like Silk and Cheerios, spaghetti and meatballs, pink and blue (always purple though :]), lock and key, and nonetheless, he has made me extremely happy beyond belief. He’s my boyfriend and I’m glad I can say that since everyone from church was obviously “waiting” for this.
so THANK YOU GOD FOR EVERYTHING. ESPECIALLY THE THINGS LISTED ABOVE.
-Goofy neon sunglasses (RUE 21) -some gangster hat that’s white (STEVEN) -Bright obnoxious Neon clothing that I don’t already own (ANYWHERE) -To get over the flu. (NOW) -YOU.
I actually don’t know if it’s the flu, but that’s the only medicine my parents feed me. ITS DISGUSTING, much like mulch, and disgustingness, and medicinaly. I went shopping yesterday, I need to control myself. Anyways, I went over to Forever 21, and saw this adorable little black dress. Well they only had a LARGE. Goodness gracious, mother loved it SO much she convinced me to try it on saying “It’ll probably fit.” …
No. It was single handedly the most depressing site I have EVER seen, knowing that it wouldn’t fit, trying it on, it fell off of my underweight body. So. I looked online for the dress, AND THEY DON’T HAVE IT. sad day.
“I wanted him just to choose me, you know, cause nature had already done it. Nature said ‘You two folks hook up, ‘cause you’re a good example of how it’s suppose to go.’ I didn’t want nothing to be able to go against that.”—The Color Purple Alice Walker
to find that you’re fitting right into the grooves of my odd personality, like compliments. Yes, I’m more articulate in writing, sort-of. Not really. More eloquent? I wish. At peace? Hells yeah. Happy? Beyond belief. Don’t question too much, the answers are right there. 1. I like you. 2. I like you, a lot. 3. I’ve known you for more than half your life…because that’s how I roll. 4. Things feel like it’s been longer than it should’ve been. 5. I think this is going to take us somewhere. 6. I have faith in you, me, us. 7. You’re a goof. 8. We can always agree.
I got EVERYTHING I’ll ever need ;] well…someone COULD take me to get my necklace ENGRAVED :D Lesson Learned: From parents who couldn’t care enough, from people who RAISED me to turn me down at an event they agreed to do so long ago. From the same people who brought you, me. I come to you TELLING you, they hate me. It’s only heartbreaking to go to your own senior ceremony without parents who are willing to walk with you. It’s also heartbreaking knowing that everyone else at least had their parents whether they were seperated/divorced etc…on both sides of them. I don’t have that luxury, and my parents are HAPPILY married.
But the day was saved. Thankyou, boyfriend. At least someone cared.
-McCAIN TO BE PRESIDENT -a cute layering scarf that’s in a neutral color (everything but brown, please) -CARDIGANS YES YES YES! -a cute dress -a CAR (preferbly one in white with a HUGE pink bow on top.) -Anything from V.S. Pink :D -Any accessory that is heart shaped and silver! (RINGS!) -someone to fix mypod -flats
a good cry today. On one note, it was over a variety of things, rather than focus it on one subject, blah blah, bleh bleck. 1. RACE FOR THE CURE. so as a cheerleader, we cheered at the event, I saw more than 29387429347 survivors cry. I wanted to cry. No. I cried. Especially when we saw “Michelle’s Angels” walk along (who was an old cheer coach at my high school) and in her support, like every other year that our school has done it (since my sophomore year), we’ve marched with her from the last mile mark to the end of the race. What happened? I cried. Like a BIG BABY. She’s well known around the city of austin, she has the loudest crowd yelling for her, her story is heartfelt? (and by the questionmark i mean YES.) and I’m just a baby. My heart dropped when she cried, and then, bam. kayteens cry-a-thon.
2. Silly Things and the Future My mom has not stopped on the whole college debacle (I like that word). So, I freaked out, naturally, assuming that I’m going NO WHERE IN LIFE. And assuming that my bestfriend/boyfriend might not go there? EITHER WAY, mom was freaking out -> me freaking out -> dad lecturing me ->nothing good could possibly come from this.
3. Cancer survivors (not just the breast cancer ones) well It’s safe to say I know one person of each cancer…so far. Ovarian, Breast, Pancreatic (which has a high mortality rate…), lung, skin…you name it, I know someone. I just thought today would be a good day to cry about it.